Fairly Alarming Queries

I Don't Get it.

That's not a question, it is only a statement. All queries must be in the form of a question.

How Do I Get More From The Colon?

You're right to want more, and you [probably] won't be sorry. Make sure that you follow our updates on social media platforms. Links are at the top of the page. Also, experts recommend refreshing our homepage every couple of seconds. If you can't find enough new material, a good way to fill that void is to relentlessly tell all of your family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, neighbors, exes, and basically anyone else about our work. They may thank you, but it's probably safe to say that they won't do any direct harm to you for referring us.

Could You Back Up Just A Little?

Oh, sorry. I sometimes have trouble with personal space. And you just...you know...you smell nice. What is that, lavender?

Why "The Colon?"

So many reasons... The colon is the most dignified of punctuation marks. It is visually symmetrical, powerful in function, and pretty easy to find on a keyboard. Also, it's only one letter off from "colony," and if you think about it, we working here at The Colon are sort of like a colony of ants. You know: all running around and doing our little tasks and serving our queen.

Why Am I So Offended By This Article?

The most likely reason is that you are a dull, soulless prude, who finds even the attempt at joy to be terrifying beyond measure. Why are you like this? Who did this to you?

Did You Guys Know Your Icon Looks Like a Colon?

Surely you jest. A colon is merely two parallel dots, one atop the other. Sort of like a period brought along its helicopter parent.

Where Do You Get The Ideas For Your Articles?

Who sent you? Was it Dale? Tell that maniac that the relic is not for sale, and I don't know who let all of the air out of his tires. We don't want any trouble, but tell him to keep in mind that we have 15 months of Tae Kwon Do between us, so he'd better come prepared if he comes at all.